Recently I have been analyzing what it is that gets me the most about same-sex attractions. Is it that I really do want to be homosexual, am I a guy desperately wanting sex with a man, do I need some "father" affection or am I a sex addict? So many questions...
I really think that the issue for me is that I find myself being addicted to what I call "the look." When a man looks my way more than once there is a feeling of acceptance that I feel. In the deep of my heart I really don't want to go to bed with him, I just want to know that I am accepted. I kind of feel that a lot of we go through with the same-sex issue is really an issue of accenptance and rejection. We so desperately feel rejected by the world of men that we look for it to the point of it becoming an addiction. Just one more look...
The issue isn't how to become hetrosexual for me, the issue is, how do I let myself walk into the world of men and feel the acceptance that I need. How do I feel the same as every other man? How do I let myself believe that I am not a "special one", but just like all the other guys? God is my only hope. He has to change my eyes. I pray constantly and I see Him answering this simple prayer. Open my eyes to the truth...let it set me free.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
FEAR
"What in the heck am I so afraid of?" I'm finding that so much of what we do or don't do is ruled by fear. Fear of being too exposed, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, etc. etc. etc... I am not sure that fear is a good motivator for anything, except maybe if you are looking over the lip of the Grand Canyon and wondering if it would hurt if you jumped! In my life, fear has kept me from deepening my relationships around me, including with my wife and children. I have even kept my feelings to myself out of fear of what might happen if I really decide to let them out. I will say that I love the feeling of taking a risk with someone or something...I feel like a true man. Taking the risk really is worth it, I think. Granted, there will be times when we take the risk on someone and we end up getting smeared on the sidewalk, but I still think that the risk is good.
As far as same-sex attractions go, I think that risk is so important. I once read a book about a man that was scared to death of surfer type guys, they ended up being the kind of guy that he found himself being attracted to. There was something in them or about them that he felt missing in his own manhood, (which, by the way, I think is a lot of what same-sex attraction is about; this longing for what the man you feel attracted to has that you don't.) So the way that he delt with his fear of those surfer-types is to move to Hawaii and become a surfer himself. He ran toward the thing he was afraid of and in the end conquered his fears. Sounds a little simple for such a complex issue as homosexuality, but I do think that there is something to running toward the thing you are afraid of, conquering it and realizing that it wasn't quite as big as you thought it was. I know that fear of being exposed or made fun of or not accepted by men has certainly driven me to a place where I desperately need relief from the pressure. This has not been a good place for me to be as a man.
So, today I want to choose the freedom of not being ruled by fear of any type. Today, this moment...one step at a time.
As far as same-sex attractions go, I think that risk is so important. I once read a book about a man that was scared to death of surfer type guys, they ended up being the kind of guy that he found himself being attracted to. There was something in them or about them that he felt missing in his own manhood, (which, by the way, I think is a lot of what same-sex attraction is about; this longing for what the man you feel attracted to has that you don't.) So the way that he delt with his fear of those surfer-types is to move to Hawaii and become a surfer himself. He ran toward the thing he was afraid of and in the end conquered his fears. Sounds a little simple for such a complex issue as homosexuality, but I do think that there is something to running toward the thing you are afraid of, conquering it and realizing that it wasn't quite as big as you thought it was. I know that fear of being exposed or made fun of or not accepted by men has certainly driven me to a place where I desperately need relief from the pressure. This has not been a good place for me to be as a man.
So, today I want to choose the freedom of not being ruled by fear of any type. Today, this moment...one step at a time.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
the hurried life
Here I am sitting in San Fransisco, feeling the breeze of the bay and allowing the sun to touch my exposed skin...yet I feel alone, scared. I find myself so busy at times and try to convince myself that busyness and exhaustion is the trophy of a good and godly person. When the sun goes down I am left with "just me." What I am trying to get into my thick head is that busyness really can be a way of digging a hole and burying my real person. I can hide so easily behind busyness. When my mind stands still and it is quiet around me, I don't always like who I encounter. I am a broken, scared little boy inside, and I desperately need a Savior to free me to solitude. I want to be comfortable with quiet...I want to be comfortable with me. God, I want to know the stillness well enough that I learn to accept me, and embrace who you are creating inside of me. I want to hear the "still small voice."
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